if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
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son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.