8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
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I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*