[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
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*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description