cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
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It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
When news reporters do sports stories
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular