While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
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hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”