I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
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My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore