Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
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My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend