If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
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To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what