[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
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Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
I need this for my side hustle.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?