I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
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[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair