You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
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I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
😅🤣😂
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex