Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
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Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Saw your ex at the shops
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something