[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
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Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.