Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
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they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
i did the math
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.