Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
You Might Also Like
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags