I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
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“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
(more comics:
Taliband
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.