amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
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Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
I love twitter
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
new record!
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.