Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
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I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Note to self: I am a note
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
😂😂
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
The news in a nutshell.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.