I don’t understand what’s happening here.
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CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
I bet birds love this building.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
when there are deer in the woods
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
me, after any kind of buffet.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances