Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
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The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
NOT all policemen are strippers.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.