mom had nothing to worry about
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!