It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
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(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!