“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
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Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.