waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
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*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
sigh
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.