I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
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I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
not to brag, but mine was free
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]