If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
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[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Check out the legs on this baby
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Sing it!
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
i guess his teacher was really pissed