Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
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Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”