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In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
this country is so goddamn polarized
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.