[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
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Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables