Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
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me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
me after eating Cheetos
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.