let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
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I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.