Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
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The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.