EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
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Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Usage Guidelines
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
*3.5 thank you very much.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there