Natty or not?
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If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Sheep
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.