dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
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ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Morning.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Well, this explains it:
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.