McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
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ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.