A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
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These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
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“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor