“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
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I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
he’s doing your taxes
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.