Dammit Chief not again
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haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.