I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
You Might Also Like
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.