“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
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[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Based Erika
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”