*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
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[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…