Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
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When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
The struggle is real