Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
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“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*