My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
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Pass gas, not judgment.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.