You Might Also Like
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.