If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
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As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.