store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
You Might Also Like
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
By the pound.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.