Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
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if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.