No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
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INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
bias laundering edition
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!